Aberdeen, Scotland Family Photography
The other day was hard.
This transition into being back in Scotland has come naturally but there have definitely been moments of struggle mixed in. I've been expected to jump back into the full-time mommy of two kids role which actually isn't easy after eleven weeks away. There have been moments where I've felt like a failure because of the fact that I haven't been involved in Isla's life since she moment here, since she started school, since they've started their life here. I don't know the school routine. I don't know Isla's likes and dislikes. I don't know how she likes to dress. You'd think that it's too short of a time to have things change this much but somehow, time just moved faster. I've had moments of feeling like a terrible mom even though it's not even my fault! But there the feeling stands.
Then the other day my fear was confirmed. We were in the car driving back from Grammy's house and Isla pretends to do magic with her wand. What is her wish? She is going to send me back to America she says. I ask if she likes having me here. She says no. She says she doesn't like mommy. You don't like me? She says no. My heart shattered into a million pieces. Not only did this happen but Milo was frustrated too and bit me while nursing and Scott and I argued. Why was everyone against me?!
No, this transition hasn't been easy.
But then, a couple of days later Isla and I pray before bed time thanking God for all of the amazing things around me and what does she thank Jesus for? She thanks Him for mommy coming back. *cue tears* And again my heart bursts into a million pieces! Then we walk home from school the next day and she cuddles into my hand, kissing it. Heart shattered. And then she wants to sit next to me at dinner. Heart shattered. And then she hides behind me for protection. Heart shattered.
Parenthood is funny, isn't it? Just this constant high and low just hoping that you're somehow doing something right and that your kids won't be completely messed up from winging it everyday.
But I'll take those heart shattering moments, the good and the bad, everyday if it means just one more hug and heart-melting smile from my little girl and baby boy.
(If you haven't had a chance to check out the Scotland mini sessions that were announced, be sure to check out this blog post!)