When God and I fight...

Aberdeen, Scotland Family Photographer

If you think that God and I are always in sync like pimento cheese and crackers and that we wink and point at each other as if to say, "yep, I got you", you'd be wrong. Very wrong. God and I fight. Let me rephrase. I throw the punches and He calmly sits there listening and then lovingly tells me how I'm mistaken and then I go put myself in time out. Yes, lately I've had many three year old tantrum moments. Here's an actual conversation that I had with God recently: "Why won't you give me what I ask for? Why aren't you answering me? Why are you being mean? You don't love me. You don't care about me." Raise your hand if you have a threenager who asks you the same questions. Like I said, I've had some three year old moments.

I'm not proud of these moments. They're even laughable! But how many times do I throw my teddy in the corner because my demands for more aren't met?

Yet here's what I've discovered out of these little tantrums: it's okay to NOT be okay. So much of me wishes that I see sunshine and daisies in this situation of being separated from my family. But I don't...at least not all the time. I do have moments where God will give me a glimpse of what He's working on behind the scenes just like He did tonight. He totally answered my prayer in the form of a beautiful friend telling me EXACTLY what I needed to hear without her even knowing that I prayed for those words. But a lot of the time right now it's dark clouds with rays of sun poking through. I wish I could say that each morning I wake up expectant over what God will do that day and wait with sweet anticipation to be a part of how He's working. But I don't. And what I've come to realize is that it's okay to not be okay.

It's okay to not like my situation. It's okay to not be okay with being separated from my family. It's okay to not want this. Yet, what does David write in the Psalms? He says, "When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought me joy." (Psalms 94:19) Your situation may not bring the happy type of joy. I know mine doesn't. But what it does bring is a joy in knowing that each day I'm growing and becoming a stronger person. That this whole situation is building character in me that is resilient, patient, firm, trusting, and free. For that I am joyful. I am not okay with my situation but I am joyful in the process and the result at the end. 

Friends, I'm not proud of my fights with God but I know that God wants my honesty. He already knows how I'm feeling and when I try to tell Him something that I'm not, I'm just lying. In bringing God my honest feelings about Him and the world, I am then free and open to let God change those feelings. When I tell God that He doesn't love me, He then shows me that He does by blowing me away with something unexpected. When I tell God that I'm hurting and in so much pain and that I don't get why He's allowing this, He covers me in a blanket of peace.

I hope that one day I won't keep fighting but, geez, I'm a fighter. I'd say I'm a peace-loving fireball. Ha! Does that even make sense? I'm not proud of it but for now I'll keep fighting with God because each time I do I come away understanding a bit more of His character and keep exposing another part of my own character that needs refining so that one day I won't need to fight anymore and He and I will be like pimento cheese and crackers.