Aberdeen, Scotland Family Photography
My heart broke this morning. Twice actually. Is there anything worse than disappointing your child?
This morning I told Isla that she was going on a field trip with her class. I had received an email about it saying that they were going but it seemed weird that I hadn't received more information on it. Yet, not wanting to look like a failure as a mother I didn't question it thinking that maybe my husband had gotten information on it earlier in the year while I was still in the US. I held my tongue about Isla going until right before I dropped her off at school when I told her that she would be going on a bus to a science museum. She was SO excited. SO excited. She even told me that I didn't need to go with her and that she could go herself. Heart break number 1. My big girl wanted to be the big girl I keep telling her she is and go on this field trip alone, without her mommy. Agh! My heart. Why does teaching independence have to be so painful?! Why can't our children be simultaneously grown up but remain babies?
So we then leave for school with Isla all excited about her big trip with me still having my doubts about what's happening. We reach school and she tells me that we need to stand out here and wait for the big kid bus. I say no we need to go inside first. We go in and children are standing around with their parents. I leave saying to have fun and that I left her jacket for her. I walk outside talking with our neighbor and ask if the kids are going somewhere. She says, oh no no just the older children. My heart absolutely broke in two. Dread and sadness filled me. I put Milo in the car and ran back inside to tell Isla the sad news. I ran back in to prepare her for the fact that she's not going anywhere and her mom let her get excited over something that isn't happening. Heart break number two. Just the worst feeling! I wanted to cry. Even now I want to cry. I know this won't be the last time that I let my kids down but I'm so sad for her. I promised her we'd go somewhere fun this afternoon and left.
Disappointment. Mommy failure. I know it's such a small thing in the grand scheme of things but no one wants to bring their children unneeded sadness. No one wants their children to experience disappointment. Oh, if only I could shelter my children forever and keep them babies. We want that freedom that comes with increased independence but at the same time mourn those moments when they say that they can go by themselves and that she doesn't want me to go with her.
Being a mom breaks my heart daily. It's that pain of knowing when I look at my eight month old sleeping sweetly in his crib at night looking so content and serene that this moment is so fleeting. Knowing that soon none of my children will want me to rock them to sleep or read them a story or sing to them. It's realizing that with each milestone their dependence on me disappears one second at a time. And my heart breaks. And the tears fall.
Oh, it is so exciting watching them achieve and grow but with it comes the deepest pain. A joyful, sad, exciting, hurting, laughing, crying type of pain. I love my children more than I could ever love myself. Being a mom is the hardest and most emotional job there is; not because the days are tiring but because with it comes the deepest and widest emotions you have ever felt that words can't even describe.
All the tears this morning.